aka “Living with Grief”, by Jay Requard

It’s been two years since I lost my Uncle Dave.

I have lived with the spirit of his memory since the day my Mom called me and told me that my Aunt had brought him home from the hospital when the degradation of his neurological system due to dementia with Lewey Bodies set in and he died violently, then was resuscitated, only to die quietly a few hours later in a hospital with my aunt by his side.

I had to say goodbye to him through a speaker phone.

I’m still struggling, somewhere and somehow, with the knowledge that one day I’m going to lose more people. I still struggle with the grief of those I have lost, especially Dave.

My previous blogpost about the meanings behind The First Duty and The Second Requirement discussed the worldbuilding aspects of how my elves, called the Dharva, built their identity and culture from their interpretation of their gods and the purpose of the Ohigmos, which they believe is their duty to protect and cultivate. But I also discussed grief, immortality, and what happens when dharva decide to take their own lives when existence has “gone on too long.”

The harder question lies in “what do we do after the trauma of our grief? And what would we do if our lives went on forever, with that grief and that loss?”

In real life, sometimes dealing with real loss, it feels like forever.

Without spoiling anything, one of the characters in Shylilias’ story tells her, in dealing with this grief, to give herself “a third choice.”

That choice, in spite of the grief and the pain, is one you get to make for yourself. Some days are easier as they pass by, and that in itself carries some uncomfortable weight—the world will go on, even without us, and without the ones we love.

But until then, what do we do?

The answer I found while writing The Timeless Ranger series is not a definite one. Frankly, I don’t know if there is ever a defined answer to grief and how it heals, or scars, over the time since we take its wound.

Does it ever close? Can it be closed?

Perhaps, with time. I suffer less and less the sadness of my losses by the simple fact that life has to keep going on, and I only have so much time. But what if I was like Shylilias, endowed with an immortality that could only end through violence or heartbreak?

It is easy to say one will live past their grief, but it is not easy.

There may be no living past it, but there is living with it, and learning to live with it. I would like that if applied and dealt with correctly, our grief allows us to see the better and lesser qualities in others than simply paint them as black and white tones, and in that revelation we find a way to be kinder to ourselves and others.

Perhaps even braver since we know we can face it.

I think what Shylilias settles on in The Third Choice is this sort of kindness, a willingness to do more for herself and others because that kindness, that bravery, and the empathy she develops leads to a renewal. The way she resolves to deal with her grief is not only to live, but to live in spite it, but also in many ways respecting it by doing well for others.

In the choice between falling into it or be swallowed, you should give yourself that third choice.

For everyone that read this series or will read this series, thank you so much. I hope Shylilias’s tales provided not only entertainment, but some sort of comfort. That’s what she provided me and I hope that extended to every read out there.

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